The Green (Home Run Edition)

Chapter 1: Trouble on the Flight to Mars

I wasn't totally surprised about ending up in the Puyallup Fair security shed. But I certainly didn't plan on an insane security guard screaming at me. And I definitely didn't plan on him calling my mother. Or having her escort me out of the fair. It just worked out that way.

My name is Jason Green and I guess you could say that I'm a goofball. I go to the Puyallup Fair pretty much every October. I'm thirteen now, but the fair has been going on as long as I can remember.

Puyallup is a small town not too far outside of Seattle. I've lived here my whole life. Puyallup is pronounced "phew-al-up." I get excited about the Puyallup Fair every year because it's got all kinds of great things to do. There's skeet ball, roller coasters, and this cow made entirely out of butter. You have to see it to understand. But my absolute favorite thing about the fair is the Flight to Mars. It's this ride that's supposed to be like taking a trip to Mars and back. You sit in an electric car that goes around a track. You pass by all these glow-in-the-dark Martians and giant robot spiders. There's fake fog and flashing lights too. The car jerks you around on the track. Sometimes you're facing backward so you don't know what's going to happen next. I must have ridden the Flight to Mars at least one hundred times.

A couple of months before the fair, I got this great idea in my head. What if I dressed up like an alien and went inside the Flight to Mars? What if I jumped out and scared one of the passengers? Funny, right?

I told my best friend Calvin about my plan. He liked the idea so much that he helped me create the costume. We searched my house until we found the right gear. First, I put on some old silver ski clothes. Then I colored my face green with glow-in-the-dark paint. I made antennae with one of Mom's headbands and some glow sticks. To top everything off I put on a set of giant fangs. Calvin and I thought the costume was pretty scary. After all, I had a green face and giant fangs. If I saw something with a green face and fangs, it would scare me.

I was very excited while I waited in line at the Flight to Mars. Our car came up and Calvin and I hopped in. The guy loading us looked like he was working on an assembly line or something. He didn't even glance up at us. I was surprised that he didn't notice me. I was dressed as an alien with fangs.

Our car sped away into the darkness. Once we passed the stuffed green monster, I squeezed out of my seat. "Good luck, man," Calvin said in a serious tone, bumping knuckles with me. "I'll see you outside."

"Thanks," I said.

I crossed the track and crouched down on the other side of the monster. The first few cars came by. They were filled mostly with kids and their parents. Then I heard them. The voices of two girls were coming my way. It was perfect and I attacked. "Boo-ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha!" I screamed as I jumped in front of their car.

Maybe my costume was too scary. Maybe my fangs were too realistic. Maybe my "boo-ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha" sounded too convincing. Whatever the reason, the two girls freaked when they saw me. They started screaming and crying within a few seconds. I backed off and ran. But even with me out of sight, they kept crying. They'd passed by and were far down the ride. I could still hear them like they were right next to me.

I figured that now was probably a good time to get out of the Flight to Mars. But the place was pitch-black. Finding the exit was nearly impossible. So I started running. My first step was awkward to say the least. I tripped on the track and fell into the giant robot spider-web. Caught, I wrestled the web and the spider to get free. With a hard push forward I heard a snap. "Whoops," I whispered. A spider leg had broken off into my hand and I was free. The spider started to make a hissing sound and I smelled smoke. At this point I really needed to get out of there.

I ran to my left but was stopped by a stupid stuffed monster. And I mean really stopped. I ran into the green giant at full speed and we both fell down. Frantically, I picked myself up and took off in the other direction. The darkness blinded me. My heart started to pound in my chest. I was sweating from the heat of my costume. Finally, I saw the exit. But just as I bolted toward it, I tripped again. This time I fell into a pile of garbage. And then the lights came on.

This was bad for a couple of reasons. First of all, I saw how everything in the ride worked. I saw all the wires, the fake Martians, and the cheesy lights. The second piece of bad news was all the damage I'd caused. It wasn't pretty. But the bigger issue was the guard who had burst into the ride and found me right away. I didn't even have a chance to run. His huge hand picked me up by the shirt. I was still holding a plastic spider leg under my arm, too.

When I got outside, Calvin was nowhere to be seen. But the two girls I had scared were right out front. They were crying and their parents glared at me. "Scaring two little girls makes you feel pretty big, huh?" the father said as I passed. This was not going to end well.

The security guard had forgotten to remove his hand from my neck. His grip was pretty strong. Generally speaking, you don't want to upset a gigantic bald guy with terrible breath. His arms were the size of my legs. His legs were like tree trunks. Every time I opened my mouth he became more agitated. He was pacing back and forth in the security shed, yelling. The small wooden structure shook with each footstep he took.

"Son," he screamed, "your entrance into this Fair is a contract between you and the community. When you pass through my turnstiles, you are agreeing to play by my rules. This is my fair! It's been my fair for twenty years! During those years, not one person has ever left the Flight to Mars screaming their head off like that. Do you know why that is?" I shook my head and he continued, "Because no punk kid in a cheap alien costume has ever gone crazy in my ride!" He let the veins on his neck pop out even more this time.

After a lot of yelling, Officer Armstrong made me give him my phone number. He called my house. "Your mother will be here in twenty minutes. I would not want to be in your shoes right now." I never agreed with anyone as much as I agreed with Officer Armstrong just then.

After a few minutes of staring at the walls I began to accept my fate. My mom was going to be here in ten minutes and there was nothing I could do about it. At least Officer Armstrong had stopped yelling at me. I think he got bored. There's only so many times in a half hour that you can tell a person that they're "never going to amount to a hill of squat."

Officer Armstrong was now staring at the security monitors looking for more problems to solve. This guy really took his job seriously. The funny thing about this was that nothing bad ever happened at the fair. I mean, unless you count that really hot day last June when the butter cow melted.

As the clock flipped to 2:31, my mom walked into the security shed. Officer Armstrong stood up when he noticed her. "You must be Mrs. Green," he said.

"Unfortunately today, yes," Mom let out a small laugh. "I'm sorry about my son." She looked over at me when she spoke those words.

"I am too," said Officer Armstrong. "I'm sorry that your son spoiled an otherwise perfect fair. With the destruction of the Flight to Mars and those little girls that he scared to death--"

"You scared a bunch of little girls, Jason?" Mom was not happy.

"Yes he did. He also broke the robotic spider. He broke the zombie Martian too. And he bent the track in two places and set off the smoke alarm!" Officer Armstrong was very serious.

"I understand," Mom said. "I know you have a very hard job to do. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Thank you, Officer Armstrong."

Officer Armstrong puffed up his chest like a dog being praised. "I'm just doing my job, Mrs. Green. I remember back in eighty-five when those boys tried to shave the bearded lady." His eyes began to get watery as he finished the story. "When I walked into her tent, she was sound asleep. Her face was already covered with shaving cream." He paused, looking at Mom in the eye. "Luckily, I got there in time."

Mom looked confused and ready to leave the shed when she said, "Well, I can assure you that Jason will be punished for the trouble he caused." My mom handed Officer Armstrong her business card. "Let me know how much money he owes to fix the ride."

Officer Armstrong took her card. "Thank you," he said.

"Thank you," Mom said. "Come on, let's go, Jason." I stood up, and Mom and I walked out of the shed together.

As soon as we got out of earshot of Officer Armstrong, my mom let out a little laugh. "My goodness, he does take his job seriously."

"No kidding," I said. I was glad my mom was able to laugh this off. I could always count on Mom to see things in the same way I did. She knew that Officer Neck Vein was making too big of a deal of this. She knew I didn't mean to cause any of the trouble that I did. She wasn't really going to punish me.

"You're grounded, Jason, and you're in serious trouble this time." So much for Mom seeing things the way I did.

We made our way toward Mom's car in absolute silence. I passed the butter cow one last time and braced myself for what lay ahead.